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My life as I believe it will never remain the same

My life as I believe it will never remain the same

I simply completed the process of perusing "Drink" by Ann Dowsett Johnston. I am 47 years of age. Even though on the inside I am a complete mess, I always try look cheerful by putting a smile on my face trying to look happy in front of the others.

Drink' helped me face my drinking habits which has been an issue for a long time. It made me feel uninsulated which was really soothing. My misuse of alcohol was not simply "genetic predisposition" or me having no self control'..my consumption of alcohol to soothe and keep me emanates from various situations in my life. Growing up was difficult - my father was a serial cheater, my mother had no self pride and overweight, unpopular me was left to feed for myself on most occasions. Emotionally, I was totally independent.


It was really odd that I never drank when I was in high school However, I went to university at a reputable institution which takes pride in its academic excellence....while students prided themselves on their ability to party. My varsity days mark the commencement of my drinking habits and misdemeanour with the common negative outcomes notorious with severe alcohol use such as improper conducts, headaches, vomiting and loss of consciousness.


I discovered the only manner for a fat girl to have a sexual intercourse was to be drunk with equally as drunk boys.


I arouse one morning, naked in bed with some guy in a frat home in Montreal'.. I look back and it is really a miracle I didn't get badly harmed, land up in an infirmary or drunk tank or pregnant.


Then life goes on - I dated a nice guy, at the same time registered as a nurse and achieved a masters degree. On weekend we hang out together, occasionally drank wine together, and when I'm not together with him I would buy me a bottle for myself.

Fast forward'marriage, .two pregnancies, both during which I totally refrained, and did not miss it. Be that as it may, then as life continued, maturing guardians, ADHD kid, worried, compulsive worker spouse with outrage issues.....wine on ends of the week got to be wine Thursday-Sunday.


We made our wine so there was always so much available and so I began the habit of opening a bottle every night. Without anyone's knowledge, I would make myself a drink after which I would place the glasses where no one would look for them.

After a hectic day at work, I return home to face domestic chores, dinner plans, getting my sick child to complete the task given to him at school and at the same time ensuring my other child does his house chore; in the midst of all these the only thought lingering within me is the wine I will take later and when the opportunity comes I drink to stupor. In the mornings, first thing I do is check my I-telephone to see whom I may have unintentionally messaged while inebriated.


But there is more - two years ago I became entangled in a very fierce emotional affair with one of my son's ally's father. The relationship never got physical (other then a couple embraces and standing close at donning occasions) however in the event that any of you have perused about (or encountered) an enthusiastic undertaking, the effect can be similarly as sensational and extreme, if not more so then a physical relationship. I was very happy - each time my phone pointed out a message...oh the rush of emotions. On many occasions, we chatted late into the night, at times in the midnight, when we were at work.


I was elated than I had ever been. The relationship was becoming dangerously close to crossing the sexual line and he pulled back. I have been emotionally down and sorrowful over this loss....and the drinking escalated.

The cocktails I have been mixed helped me to cope with the pain from the loss I experienced.

Every time I remember the events of my life, a sensation of guilt runs through me. Series of my drunken journey:

  • Being Completely hammered last Christmas at a cocktail party
  • Squandered at my sister's 50th birthday
  • Fulminating messages on my iPhone
  • Shouting fits before my children
  • Boxing my husband in the face
  • A complete screaming battle one night when my son had an ally sleeping over

I am in counselling which has been an illuminating realisation.....plus reading Ann's book and now finding out this website and reading related stories. Frankly, I perceive my redemption is near.